Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I Need a Hero

Well not me, but I am assuming that's what the little Desert Tortoise was saying as it was trying to cross the road yesterday.

I, Choppzs was the hero this little turtle had long been searching for.

After a long, hot, strenuous journey, this little turtle had almost reached it's destination, but standing in it's way was this fast moving, busy highway.

It contemplated turning around.

It contemplated making a run for it. Or at least trying.

It contemplated just sitting there and basking in the sun.

It hoped to it's Turtle God that someone, shining like a beacon of light, would come and rescue it from an almost untimely death.

And I, Choppzs was that beacon of light.

Let me tell you the story.

A couple weeks back, as I was sitting in the bathroom getting ready for the day, I heard a public service announcement on the local radio station about how to preserve the desert tortoise species. I have heard it many times, but this time I listened and thought out loud to Hubs.

"Have you ever seen a desert tortoise?"

"No, I don't think so." He says

"Hmmm, do they bite?" I said that because the only turtles I had ever encountered growing up were snapping turtles.

"Umm, no, I don't think so" He says

"Wouldn't it be cool to see one?"

"Yeah, sure" He says

I sat there and thought of the radio announcement. It said you should never disturb a desert tortoise unless it is in harms way. If you should encounter a desert tortoise that is in danger, you should use a towel or some other article of clothing to gently pick up by it's shell as to not contaminate it, or yourself with bacteria. Move it slowly and in the direction it was facing until it is out of harms way. Then let it be.

Then yesterday, as we were driving back from Girly's school, there he was. On the side of the road, just enough past the white line to where I had to swerve into the other lane to make sure he didn't get hit. At first, I assumed it was some sort of debris, but then i realized it was a turtle.

"Girly, did you see that?"

"See what?"

"That was a turtle"

"Awww, was it?"

"Yeah, should we go move it, so it doesn't get hit?"

"Yeah, but do you know how?"

"Of course my Dear, I am a dedicated desert citizen. I have listened intently to the public service announcements on the local radio station, and have educated myself with local literature about the beloved desert tortoise!

No that's not what I really said, but it was close.

"Yeah, duh, haven't you heard the radio?" is more like it.

"Ok, let's go get him" she says.

So we whip a Uey and pull up behind him.

I tell Girly to hop out and take a look. Who knows if we will ever see a desert tortoise again. The poor boys were just stuck sitting in their car seats.

We look at him for a moment, deciding whether he is already dead, or just inside his shell. I assumed he was still alive cause he didn't look hurt or injured.

I ran back to the truck, opened the back, found a blanket that I keep in the truck and ran back.

Just as I was running back to Girly and the turtle, Mr. Shonson drives up and pulls over to see what was the matter with us. He nearly missed the turtle with his back wheel. All the while, I am screaming at him to stop. Again, Mr. Turtle has nearly escaped death.

I put the blanket gently over his back. He was about the size of a dinner plate. I picked him up ever so lightly and begin to slowly cross the busy highway.

As I was carrying him, still thinking he might already be dead, under the blanket I feel his little legs pop out and I see his head peer at me from under the blanket.

Holy Crap if I didn't start to move a little faster. That scared the beejeebees out of me!

I walked up over the hump on the other side of the highway, and laid him gently on the ground.

I grabbed the blanket and stepped back. He sat for a moment, all arms and legs out. Then slowly began to move away.

"Goodbye Mr. Turtle" I said as I wiped a tear from my eye.

No, I didn't cry, that was just for the effect of the story.

But I did wave to the little guy, climbed back over the hill, jumped in the truck and drove off. Knowing i had done my good deed for the day.

Then I thought, shit, I didn't get a picture. That sucks! But whatchya gonna do??

Mr. Turtle will be forever grateful, and name his children after me.



and Turchoppzs

And that is the story of Choppzs, The Turtle Whisperer.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Oh What a Night

Hubs went for his "man night" yesterday.

So that means I had to entertain the kiddos after multiple crying bursts of

"I want Daddy"

"I want to go camping toooooooo!"

"Whens Daddy coming home?"

So we went to Lu Lu's Farm up the road and petted some horses and kitties, and watched some cows at the dairy.

The kids loved the cats, and had fun feeding the horses some treats.

Then I had my "Ladies Night" after the baths were done and kids were in bed.

My Ladies Night consisted of,

scrubbing toilets

washing down bathroom sinks

vacuuming floors


and then watching 2 hours of dramatic reruns of America's Next Top Model.

I'm Pathetic! lol

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

If Looks Could Kill....

Then that bitch at the gate would be dead.

Ok, so see this.

I go to the base yesterday to take some of the girls that work with Hubs their candles.

I have the new truck, which means I have no base sticker at the moment.

But even when I had a base sticker, this woman (a short little bitch with WAY to much makeup), always refuses to let me go through without a hassle.

Ok, now don't get started on me about the security of the base, and how she's just doing her job, and blah blah blah.

I know it all. We were in the Corps for 8 yrs. and lived on multiple bases. So I know the rules, I know their jobs. I have no problem with them doing their jobs. But this woman, I swear, just loves to torment me.

And this woman wasn't even a Marine. They have gone to hiring rent-a-cops for the base now. She's a fricken Rent-A-Cop!

So anyways, i get up there. I flash my driver's license (since I no longer have my military I.D.) and get ready to pull out the new trucks insurance and registration. She looks at me.

"Can i ask where you are going Mam?"

*No Bitch you can't* is what i am thinking, but instead, "Yes, i am going to Warehouse ***"

"Can I ask what for?"

*Once again NO*, but instead, "Yes, i am delivering lunch and candles"


*Deep breath Choppzs*, "Yes, candles, if you are interested I hosted my Partylite Party and am here to deliver the candles to the people who bought them from my Hub's shop. But remember, if you must search, you break it, you buy it" hahahahaha I thought it was a bit snazzy and kind of sarcastic but she didn't seem to get a kick out of it.

"Mam, I am here to inform you that you must be sponsored to get on base, and therefore, since you don't have the paperwork stating that you are allowed on the base, I can't let you through. Do you have a cell phone?"

"Yes, i do"

"Then I need you to pull off base, and park over there outside the gate. Then you need to call your husband, have him call the dispatch number and then he will be phoned to me. He will have to inform me that he is sponsoring you on base, and then I will let you through."

*F*ck you* but instead, "Uh mam, I have been over here several times before. All the other gate guards let me through with no problem, especially since i have a base sticker on my vehicle. Granted, I don't have one now, because it's a new vehicle and Hub's hasn't gotten it over to get me a new one, but why is it that you always insist on not letting me through. The last time, even with the base sticker you made my husband call you. None of the other guards have ever told me I have had to be sponsored."

"Well mam, in order for you to gain access to this base, you must be sponsored by someone that works here"

*No shit lady, I just said that to you, i understand that* "I understand that, but why would I have to be sponsored if i have a base sticker?"

"Mam, a base sticker doesn't mean anything. If you don't have a military i.d. or a DOD i.d. then we do not have to let you on base."

"Then what the hell good is it for me to get a base sticker?"

"Mam, that lets us know that your vehicle has been registered with the base."

"Ok, so if my vehicle has been registered under the base, and the vehicle is registered under me, wouldn't that mean that they have me on record at the base?"

"Now mam, I am asking you pull outside of the gate and wait for me to wave you in"

Bleepity, bleep, bleep,bleep,bleep, bleep, bleep.

I whip a U, and park just outside the gate. Call Hubs. Tell him the situation. After a couple minutes she waves me up to the gate.

*Ok mam, I need to see your license, registration and proof of insurance.*

Oh holy shit no. The whole time we sat here you didn't ask for it. I was even going to pull it out for you until you started blabbing.

So after pulling the crap out, and handing it over, she says..

"So this is a new vehicle mam?"


"Yes, this is a new vehicle. The registration is taped to the window. If you would like to look at it, you can take it off of there and then put it back on. It's a pain in the ass."

"No that's ok mam, i believe you."

"Uh ok"

"So next time you come on base Mam, make sure you have the base sticker, and the sponsor card that your Hubs can get for you. You will attach it to your window next to your base sticker."

As soon as I saw that hand come up to wave me through, I booked it.

"I'll give you your motherf*cken sticker, you stupid bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep"

The kids were in the car mind you, so they probably thought I was loony muttering things under my breath.

Then as i got far enough away, for good measure, she got a lovely little wave hello. With 1 finger.

It was a long morning.

Monday, April 21, 2008

A Little Imagination

~Hot, sweaty bodies.

~You can hear the trains roaring and the numbing, loud noise exploding through your head. A burst of adrenaline seers your veins.

~He pushes you up against the wall.

~You fight each other in the heat of the moment for that surge of power.

~Explicit words and promises of pain seep through your lips.

~Bodies all over the place. Hands grabbing.

~The sweat is dripping. You can feel his heat against your body.

~ A smile spreads across your lips in satisfaction as you gain control of him. Submission.

~Then an explosion. You see stars. You hear the noise.

~ A huge wave of pleasure engulfs your body.


Winning a hockey game could be so close to having an orgasm don't ya think?

My boys won against the Nashville Predators!

I love my WINGS!

Friday, April 18, 2008

That's Where My Money Goes

Holy Crap.

The only thing I can say is...


I hope the whole world comes to this blog and never gives this bank their business again.

As you all know, we purchased the new truck. The van's loan was paid in full and then some. This stupid bank did not stop the direct deposit they had from our other bank after they received their money and proceeded to still take out a van payment the other day.

We all know what happens when more money comes out of your acct. then you have available.

That's right. Multiple bounced transactions.

So after not being able to cover all these transactions, our bank starts to tack on 25$ fees for insufficient funds.

Ohhhhh, were we pissed.

Luckily our bank was good about it, took off the charges, and is now disputing the transaction with Wachovia.

Then yesterday Wachovia had the balls to tell us that we had no proof that they took the money out of our account.

Uh yeah assholes, we do.

1. Here's a bank statement.

2. Here's a bank representative from the other bank that will confirm it.

3. And I am sure if you were smart enough to look up our acct. records since that is your job as a Wachovia rep, you would see a direct deposit into our acct on the 14th even AFTER the acct. was paid off.

And for good measure...

If you would speak F*CKEN ENGLISH ASSHOLE, or at least take a class in it, maybe you would understand what the hell we were talking about.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Windy Days and Tuesdays Always Get Me Down

This weekend was a good one. Hubs and I got to go out on Saturday night for our anniversary. Without the kiddos. We got food, drinks, played mini golf, and got stopped at a DUI checkpoint. Fun times I tell ya!

Luckily for us, the cop wasn't a dick. I mean especially after we fessed up to having a drink with our dinner and had an expired car insurance stub. lol

No, we are not driving illegally, we do have current insurance, I just haven't gotten off my lazy butt to print it out off of the computer. He let us off with a warning and told us to be sure we have our current insurance in the vehicle from now on. If he knew me, he wouldn't have been so easy on us cause Hubs is still driving around with those expired papers and it's Tuesday! lol

Sunday was a good day for yard work. We worked our asses off. The side yard looks a hellofallot better, and Hubs and I are both burned on our shoulders and necks. We were smart enough to lube up the kids, but not so much ourselves. The kiddos ran through our not so new, but haven't worked in years, and Hubs got them working yard sprinklers. I still can fathom what the assholes who lived here before us were thinking when they put this property together. Shit is just all over the place.

Today is another lovely windy day. Can you hear the sarcasm dripping. In case you couldn't tell, yes, I am being sarcastic. The wind here sucks royal donkey butt. It's sunny and warm, but the minute you walk out you get blasted with 70 mph winds mixed with a whole crap load of sand. Lovely for the skin, yes (makes for a great exfoliate), but a mouthful of dirt really sucks. It usually goes in spurts. 3 or 4 days of wind, 1 or 2 days without. Mother Nature must have it out for somebody.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Just You and I....

11 Years

1. You had some awesome hair when we were dating. I completely dug the long hair. But you did spend more time and put more product in it then any other guy I know! Oh and you did good when you picked me out of the 3 girls! lol

2. The Marine Corps changed our lives. I thank you for taking the risk, getting us the hell out of that shithole town we grew up in, and joining the Corps. We were young, yes, but we have beaten the odds. And we all know where we would be now if you hadn't joined, and we still lived back home. The Marine Corps made us who we are today. Semper Fi!

3. No matter what anyone says....

You can't beat the Marine Corps Uniforms.

And you were smokin hot in them uniforms!

4. I love your loyalty. To your family, friends and even your work. You may not like it sometimes, but you can still be counted on to do your job and do it 110%.

5. I love that you are not afraid of nasty, stinky poopy diapers. You can do a mean diaper change job!

6. I love how if I don't answer the phone the first time, you try at least 3 more times to call back. Then if I don't answer, you call friends. If they don't answer, you start to panic. By then, I am usually out of the shower and then I call you back. It lets me know you care that much.

7. I suck at Math, you suck at English. We balance each other out when it comes to Girly's schoolwork. I love that you will get down and help her with her math work, and most of the time you don't look at me like I am completely stupid (except for geography) when I don't know how to multiply fractions and crap. I said most of the time though!! lol

8. I love it that we are so different in our views on religion. I love it that we can agree to disagree, but still have a civilized and open conversation on our views. I also love that we can both agree that when those stupid solicitors come to our door asking us "Have you been saved?" that it is fun to screw with them, and make them feel like idiots, or threaten to call the cops if they don't get off the property. The same goes to telemarketers. We have ourselves some fun with telemarketers.

9. You will get down on the floor, or in the dirt and just go crazy with the kids. I love to see you playing with them. Your light show kicks ass ( just watch out for flying glow sticks lol )You are a great Daddy!

10. I love it when you try to keep secrets from me. It's a fun game. Because after 20 minutes of you knowing something that I don't, I get a call. I always know when you want to spill the beans on something. I always know when you are lying. Even over the phone. I can pretty much see your facial expression just by your tone of voice!

11. After 11 yrs. I believe I love you more now that I did on the day we got married. I know all your quirks. I know all your habits. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. I know what you can eat, and what will tear your ass up the next day. I know that when you drink 151 and get really messed up, I will be up till 4 in the morning making sure you don't have alcohol poisoning. I know I can count on you to bathe the kids, so you don't have to do dishes. Your coffee must be 1/3 coffee, 1/3 creamer, and 1/3 sugar. You will put Tabasco, Ketchup and Tony's on everything. After 11 Yrs. I love that I know you this well, and nobody else does!

I Love you Honey! Now lets go to Vegas for the weekend! lol

Thursday, April 03, 2008


As promised, here are a couple pics of my new ride.

And because I can, and he's mine, I have decided to once again change my mind on his name. I was almost sure he looked like a "Fonz", but after a couple days driving him, and "Fonz" just wasn't coming out smoothly from my mouth, I have decided to switch his name to "Beauregard". The B theme has stuck with me, and after calling the van "Bessy" for 3 years, "Beauregard" flows much better.

And as you can see, Mr. Beaver has claimed his rightful seat on my dash. See, once again, the B. Bessy, Beauregard and Beaver. It just flows.

No one puts Beaver in the corner!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you

Whoever made up that saying about waking up on the wrong side of the bed was dead on!

I don't know what it is, or why, but this morning has just made me One, Cranky, Bitch.

Nothing in particular happened. In fact it was a morning just like any other. But I have this urge to rip someones head off.

I decided I needed coffee. And of course, we are out. So I pack the kids up early to take Girly to school and head off to Starbucks.

All I hear the whole way is...

"What can I get mom?"

"Can I get coffee?"

"I'm hungry!"

"I want food!"

"Yummmmmmm, Yummmmmmmm!!!!!!!"

Holy Cow!!! Can't a cranky woman just get some damn coffee in peace?

Then Hubs calls me. We usually talk in the mornings before I get Girly to school just for our routine 5 minute chat. I had forgotten to call him, plus we left early so that's when he called me. Mid way through our conversation in the Starbucks drive-thru I was about to hang up on him. lol Nothing he was saying was different from any other day or morning, but all I could hear was "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!"
So I handed the phone over to Girly who proceeded to talk. lol So to you Hubs, it was not you, it was me! lol

Now that I got my coffee, and the kid's got their cream drinks, all has settled down.

I called Hubs back and talked civilly.

Now I must get the boys ready to go and get lunch, and go and get a new set of keys for my new toy.

Oh that's right, I didn't mention that did I?

I got me a new vehicle.

His name is Fonz! lol or at least for now till i come up with a suitable name for him.

He is a Ford Expedition. Charcoal grey. Big, beefy and totally more my style then the van.

I love him. And he doesn't fit in my garage!! lol

And as soon as i get off my lazy ass and charge my camera, I will take pics of my new boyfriend to show you all!!